Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.
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them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
*feels the wind in my toe hair
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
Pigeon open mic night.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical