Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.
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*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.