I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
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dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I heard that sadomasochistic vegans like to get beet and artichoked.
Some even like getting pead on.
Don’t turnip your nose at this.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
You may be a good person deep down inside, but I don’t carry around a shovel
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it