Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
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[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now