@Cheeseboy22

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

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@JoyceWhiteVance

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

@notbedelia

If you play Titanic backwards it’s about a guy who rises from the sea, bangs a ginger and tries to throw her over the railing of a boat.

@joe_binkley

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

@thetits

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

@thefurlinator

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

@sophiacadogan

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

@3_arbutus

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.