@Cheeseboy22

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

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@envydatropic

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

@EJGomez

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

@Adam14

I heard that sadomasochistic vegans like to get beet and artichoked.

Some even like getting pead on.

Don’t turnip your nose at this.

@TheWidowmakerX

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

@mrsjohngoodman

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

@lisaxy424

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

@ecorno2

You may be a good person deep down inside, but I don’t carry around a shovel

@vineyille

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

@GreenishDuck

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

@CoolCamel69

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it