Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

I just want an internship man

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”