Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
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*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
The best shot in the history of golf
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Camel dough
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.