Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
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Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Happy weekend !
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?