Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football