Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
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Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
lmao😭🤣
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
New Tinder profile.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks