Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
You Might Also Like
I am yelling
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”