Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
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3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Lmao the reply
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’