Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
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I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.