Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

No One:

No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*

me: why so glum, ghost?

ghost: i’m just going through some stuff

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.

Me: Gross.

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”