Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
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[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
me after eating Cheetos
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.