Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
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*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
The cycle continues
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.