Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
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Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
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Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”