Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
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GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
dril cadence
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Lol
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Roadkill is just a goth zoo