Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill