Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously