Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
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I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”