Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
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Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.