Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.