Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
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I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
ibopfufen
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.