Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said âlooking good.â Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. đłđ
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My buddyâs phone autocorrected âwifeâ to âwideâ and now heâs living in my garage.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isnât required, employment in our state is âat-will.â I was written up for âspreading rumors.â I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: âŚ.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys letâs get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt itâs a thing weâre doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little⌠off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted âI hope this guy next to me doesnât catch what I have.â
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why donât we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Ladies,
When someone asks why youâre single, tell them youâre overqualified.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: âHoly shit I can talk.â
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry Iâll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears âLucky.â On repeat.
Iâm stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Hereâs this yearâs kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didnât the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didnât have the guts!
Happy Halloween đ
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I donât feel relaxed???
Itâs fine when the cat looks like this. Hell itâs actually good.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally Iâm not looking to develop a heart problem
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
you shouldnât drink white wine with fish because they canât hold the glass in their little fins
âBritney Spearsâ implies the existence of a âBritney Swordsâ, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I say âtomatoâ, you say âput your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowlyâ .
When apologizing, itâs important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRĂDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uhâŚwhatâs the box for?
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey werenât there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Kraken: âI like to renew my tenancy.â
Landlord: âRe-lease the Kraken!â
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks