Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
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I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.