Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

Weirdly Wednesday.

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t