Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
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Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
how much does a mortician urn in a year
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word