Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
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I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
new record!
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…