Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.

It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.