Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!

Me: *holding back tears* I remember

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

What

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

Any refunds available?…

incredible book dedication

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

But that’s none of my business

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

[coming back into house from grocery store]

Me: thanks for coming with me!

7: I didn’t really have a choice.

Me: but it was nice, right?

5: we can’t stay home alone.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with