Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin