got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
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HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
When your parents check you’re ok.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.