got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
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My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Never forget.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!