got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
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My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
crying
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Somedays I just love AI so much
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
*puts words between two asterisks*
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what