Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

i think both sides are to blame here

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

The real reason evolution started..😂

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.