Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
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The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.