Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
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I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.