Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
