Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
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I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Wait.
Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Some people were born into their job.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?