Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
You Might Also Like
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism