Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
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ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Still laughing at this stupid meme
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Basically.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!