Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
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I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
#Caturday
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails