MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
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my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Saw my chart at the Doctor’s Office, and it’s just a list of jokes he’s already told me and if I’d laughed or not.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope