got so much cardio in today
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People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
is he marrying that labradoodle
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Saturday
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
North and South
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.