got so much cardio in today
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Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.