“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
You Might Also Like
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Software Development ⛵️
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter