@shariv67

Got so wasted last night, had to take a train home. And now I can’t figure out how to return it.

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@MisterBombay

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

@Godhatespants

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

@danjan13

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

@daemonic3

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

@RickAaron

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

@gigi_k1

Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk

@DaddyJew

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

@Ristolable

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

@tsm560

Got an extension cord, and moved the microwave right into bed with me. This 2015 is looking like a good one already.