Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

[Christmas]

Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!

Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.