Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
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I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Don’t make me out nice you.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation