Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.

Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence