Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
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[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
*orders delivery*
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
presenting your incognito window wrapped