Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

This checks out

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.