Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
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Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
My wife gives the best headache.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?