Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
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he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Spoiler Alert: I was late
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Awwwww shit.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet