Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
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I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean