Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
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[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
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