Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
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The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Bill is short for Billiam
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.