Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
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If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
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idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
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But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
ok like just. call me at this point
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‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns