Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

Meat Cute

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit