Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”

Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.

Me: Really?

Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.

Me: What?!

Mom: He’s an alcoholic.

Me: I don’t think…

Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.

Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

Thank you for sharing that story with us, now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go boil my soul.

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.