Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
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*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
In case you needed to hear it:
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved