Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it鈥檚 because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.馃槼馃槼
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Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it鈥檚 the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I鈥檓 sick of my girlfriend鈥檚 husband starting shit
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
don鈥檛 worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you鈥檙e checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he鈥檇 gotten himself a dog.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he鈥檚 fleeing the scene of a crime
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it鈥檚 lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I don鈥檛 think you鈥檙e a bad person. I just think you鈥檙e immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!