Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
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Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
