Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
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My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.