Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
You Might Also Like
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising