Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*