Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

I’m listening

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.