Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
You Might Also Like
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
NASA has no chill
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?