Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

[before Toto]

Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.