Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
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Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday