Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
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What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]