Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
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ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
#ParentingFacts
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
phew
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water