Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
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Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
some things should go without saying
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
I feel seen.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.