Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
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This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”