Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
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Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
A flock of dads is called a grill.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”