Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
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The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Basically.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
How I like cutting carbs
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.