Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I’m having a stroke

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

Oh. My. God.

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

what are they serving at kfc then???

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.

Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

Ok, but like, how married are you?