Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.