Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.

Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.

#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe

My colleague struggled to say “think before you speak” and kept saying “speak before you speak” and I had to physically remove myself so I wouldn’t speak before I speak.

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

but that was my emotional support daylight

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

what’s really going on

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”