Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?

Selfie

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

Taliband

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?

God:

Elephant:

God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”