Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
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Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.