Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
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“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
[loses house key, starts a new life]
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.